It was during a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) training course that I finally spoke with my subconscious self. 

We were practicing a technique where we'd go back in time to resolve repressed emotions.  I wanted to understand the fear of showing emotion I'd had since childhood.  My mind took me back to a time that I could not consciously remember - there was nothing to see, hear or feel - everything just seemed dark and empty.  

When I asked my mind what I needed to learn to release this memory, it replied with a burst of bright colours that filled my head.  Bizarrely I found myself giggling, because no words could describe the feeling of total joy that was inside that light.  And I saw no judgement there - just a total acceptance of me, exactly as I am.  Now and always.

In that moment, I could suddenly see the truth of who I was and what my life was all about.  I felt complete.  A voice had come back home - a part of my mind that was warm and wise.  It was full of light and laughter and a deep, intense, loving peace. 

And it was brazen.

Brazen (adjective)
1. Without shame or any attempt to be hidden. 
2. Facing life impudently or with defiance.
3. Unrestrained by convention or propriety.

And right there, I'd found the real me again.  The old me.  My brazen, younger self.  That inquisitive kid who would think nothing of slipping my mum’s hand and running off behind the counter at the butcher’s shop to investigate what was happening back there.  That outgoing kid who’d talk to anyone, anywhere.  That happy kid they called "Smiley Ryley" at school, because I always had a dimpled grin on my face.  

That day I'd discovered the self I'd hidden away from the shame of not being perfect enough for my parents and not cool enough for friends who'd rejected me.  A part of me had become a willing victim to the kids who'd bullied me through school and then, in later years, I'd simply taken over the reins and bullied myself!

Now I know this may sound a little woo-woo, but it happened.  To me!  This sensible scientist, who doesn't believe in things that can't be measured, was completely transformed in an instant.  I can't fully explain it.  The mind is an amazing thing we still hardly understand.  But this experience opened me up to a whole host of techniques and attitudes I trained myself to use to unblock my mind and free myself.  To get it working for me and not against me.  Cool things that worked for me and now work for my clients.

So in the weeks that followed that NLP session, I was on a real high.  I reflected on how I'd traded my health and happiness for a successful career and somehow, somewhere, I'd completely lost myself in the process.  I'd built a fixed, closed  mindset to hide myself and mask my feelings.  And got stuck there.

The thing I'd been trying to figure out for years was suddenly so simple - I just wasn't being brazen enough. 

Not being me.

All those wasted years!  It was back in my late twenties when, stressed out from too much working, partying and drinking (to help me relax and sleep), I woke one morning with the left side of my face feeling numb.  Half there, half not.  I thought I was having a stroke, but the doctor said I'd been overdoing things and advised rest.  To come back if it didn't get better.

Over the coming days the numbness crept on along my left arm and down my left leg.  And then down my right leg. 

I went back.  The doctor looked grave and said he believed in telling patients the truth and asked if I wanted to hear it.  I steeled myself.  He told me I had a nerve disease which could eventually leave me paralysed and incapable of looking after myself.   He said he’d send me to a specialist for tests to confirm.  And that was it.  I was devastated.  Life over, as far as I was concerned.

I headed to the library (no internet back then!) and read up everything I could find about it.  I recognised some of the symptoms.  But, worryingly, many of the other symptoms began to appear over the coming weeks.   The stress built and built, as I tried desperately to keep the frayed ends of my life together.    

But then, amazingly, after many months of specialist medical testing, I was told I wasn't ill after all.  The doctors told me it was "just stress."  All in my mind they said.  But I was too stressed out at this point to make sense of anything. 

So even though this "un-diagnosis" was really good news, I did not celebrate. Because the "just stress" stayed.  The creeping numbness, which made me feel more dead than alive, would come and go, bringing weakness in my limbs, along with sharp pain at times.  But I preferred the pain.  It was much more hopeful.  At least I felt something.  Like I was still there.  Alive.  Existing. 

And my mind just wouldn’t let go of the fear that I had this chronic illness.  It whispered to me that the doctors were wrong and my life was ebbing away.  And I couldn't believe that stress would do such crazy things to my body, so I thought, "I must be ill".  And, back then, no one could help me see otherwise.  

My doctor suggested other therapies to treat the symptoms.  I tried them.  At the start of one such session, I was chatting with a physiotherapist and she asked me if I realised I was out of breath - I was so chronically stressed I had almost stopped breathing.  I could hardly speak.  And I hadn't even noticed.

I saw a psychotherapist to ask how I could become more positive in my thinking.  To help me heal myself.  She just looked at me, blankly, and said “There's nothing wrong with you.  I can’t help you with that.”   Great ...

Nowadays, happily, psychotherapy has moved on.  They are more in tune with positive psychology.  But back then. it seemed no one could help me with the debilitating symptoms of my "just stress".   I wasn’t ill, they said.  Just let it go, they said.  But I didn’t know how.

I remember trying to hide my tears as I sobbed with self-pity at the supermarket checkout one day.  I was supposed to be the strong, independent one who could take anything that life threw at me.  I hated my weakness.  I hated my body for failing me.  I hid my pain from everyone.  I cried alone. 

I tried to think of ways I would end my life before this “illness” made me totally dependent on others (which was my greatest fear).   I'd lost hope and become quite depressed.   I didn't know where to turn anymore.

One morning, I couldn't even find the strength to get out of bed.  My muscles just seemed to be missing.  Somehow I managed to roll myself out and onto the floor.  I still had that dogged determination.  I refused to be weak.  The fight that wouldn’t let this thing beat me (“cussid” my mum would call it!).  So even though I could hardly feel them, I forced my limbs to get me up off the floor and into the shower.  I made it into work. 

And that was the day I decided, since no one else was going to save me, I'd have to find a way to beat this thing myself. 

That decision was the start of my healing journey.  The day I took charge of myself and my health.  The day I took responsibility for my own life.

The first thing, I reasoned, was that if my stressed mind was really making up this numbness and pain in my body, then I should be able to mentally create it anywhere in my body if I wanted to.  So I tried to send pain to my little toe.  And, with practice, I managed to make pain there.  Result!

Yeah, I know it sounds crazy.  But it was progress!   And so I reasoned, if I can make pain with my mind, then I can control pain with my mind.  Maybe even stop pain.  And again, with lots of mind-body practice, I learned how to listen to and manage my body using my mind.

And so fast forward through over 20 years of mind-body research, self-experimentation and lifestyle changes.  Reconnecting with myself and my feelings.  Training in all the techniques that helped me the most.  Starting my Brazen Mind practice.

Now, of course I still get stressed at times - even daily, like we all do.  But I know how to head it off, long before it gets to overwhelm.  And I feel better than ever.  Even with the health challenges life throws at me now and again, I know how to help my mind and body work together to remove any obstacles to healing. 

It's empowering.  I know my mind.  And I know it can really hinder or heal me.  I know my stress response is something that I do, not who I am.  And my reaction to life is my choice and my responsibility.

Maybe the biggest revelation of all, though, from this long, amazing journey, was when the overwhelm and the uncontrollable stress have gone, life can actually be a little flat, empty and dull!  Who knew I needed those stress hormones to feel properly alive?  Never thought I'd miss those little guys! 

And when I think about it, my real, brazen self has always liked to take the most challenging route in life.  The path less traveled.  I hate it when life gets comfortable and predictable.  I love change with a passion.

I'm always stepping out onto that ledge and looking down over the side - just to scare myself a little. 

So now I know myself.  It's important for me to be challenged and get out of my comfort zone.  To act on my brazen mind's ideas and see where they take me.  To trust, let go and to lean more into that amazing light where anything is possible.  To get a regular dose of those exciting stress chemicals to keep life interesting.   And maintain a healthy balance between boredom and burnout.

I've finally learned how to do stress right!  And yes, to love it too ...

I feel so lucky to be able to help others re-connect with themselves and achieve that same peace.  That same clarity, energy and purpose.  

To heal and love their lives.